


Stay High

by toastandbuttercups, yaoisempai



Series: Stay High [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Car Accidents, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:45:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2442551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastandbuttercups/pseuds/toastandbuttercups, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaoisempai/pseuds/yaoisempai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I was trying to get better. I tried. But I didn't deserve to be better I deserved worse.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was eight on a Saturday morning, one of my rare days off from work, and on these days Eren would drag me out of bed early and try to convince me on going to the beach. That little brat always loved the ocean ever since I met him and that’s all he would talk about. Well, if it wasn’t about school, his sister or how some guy with a horseface annoyed him that day. But either way I loved hearing him talk about it because whenever he did his eyes would light up and he would smile till his cheeks hurt. I loved seeing him smile.

While I was thinking this, he was laying his head on my chest, half asleep mumbling “We should go to the beach…..We could build sandcastles….I could dig the moat while you get the water for it.” he loved building those messy sandcastles even though they always turned out like shit but either way he’d still say they looked great.

I felt him move his head to look at me so I glanced down at him while he said, “So can we go?” I sighed, pretending to not want to, but it was hard to deny him. He was so cute with bed head. “Sure- we can go.” His eyes light up like the sun when I said that, then he jumped out of bed so fast he got tangled in the blanket and fell on the floor I couldn’t help but laugh, “Freakin’ brat.” he untangled himself, crossed him arms and pouted, “Sh-shut up old man.”

I threw a pillow at him in response. He got knocked down by the blow but got right back up soon after, “Okay enough fooling around. Let’s go to the beach.”

He ran to go get ready, and I sat up from the bed, wiped my hands down my face, and walked to the bathroom where Eren was rushing to get ready like a chicken with his head cut off. I look at him in the bathroom mirror and smirk. “You know the beach isn’t going anywhere right?”  

Staring back me while putting toothpaste on his toothbrush and replied, “Well I want to get a good spot, and getting started on the sandcastle early would be good right?” The brat did have a point; the earlier we got started the earlier we could eat.

“While you get ready I’m going to start packing food for later okay? Then I’ll start getting ready.” He nods in response, turns back to the sink and starts brushing his teeth. I walked down stairs and went to the kitchen to get lunch ready for later. From upstairs the brat yells, “Oh yeah I forgot- Mikasa has the cooler so we might have to use the lunch bags!” I was going to shout back asking why she had the cooler but decide not to. It was too early for me to yell.

After getting the food ready and helping Eren find the buckets and shovel for the sandcastles we had the car packed and ready to go. I just need to find my swim trunks and a flannel to wear.

Eren pestered me to hurry up and I shot him with a water gun that I found in our closet. Apparently, we’d forgotten to pack one thing. Once we finally got in the car he was actually jumping in his seat and he holding a bag in his lap that he apparently grabbed while leaving the house.

“What’s that?” I asked

Buckling up, he smiled and said “Oh it’s a surprise I’ll show it to you when we get there.” It was a long drive to the beach from our house maybe an hour or two away. I focused on the road and every now and then glanced at what Eren was holding ‘What’s in there?’ I thought.

Every time, I looked at that bag. When we stopped at an intersection I asked Eren again.

“You can wait a few more minutes can’t you?” I nodded he had a point we weren’t far the beach from here. I heard a honk behind us; apparently, during our little conversation, the light had turned green and it was my turn to go do I did. After starting the car forward, I heard another. It sounded like a truck horn. I turned to look past Eren and saw a large truck coming towards us.

I tried to avoid it but I couldn’t. It was too late. It hit us so hard our car flipped I’m not sure how many times we rolled until it stopped. I was still semi conscious, and I heard another cars breaking fast so they don’t add on to the collision. I didn’t feel anyone hit us, so I assumed they’d succeeded. I tried to open my eyes but my right eye burned so much I was only able to open my left. I see Eren his arms were hung over his head which was covered in blood along with his hair. He was still unconscious but I couldn’t tell if he was breathing. I tried to call out to him but I couldn’t. Everything hurts too much.

The last thing I remember was the sound of sirens.

~~~

I wake up in a hospital bed my right arm in a cast. My side and head hurt like hell and for some reason I can’t seem to move my legs. I look around the room as I try to sit myself up. The blinds on the window are closed so I assume its night time. Hearing the door knob turn I look over and see a male doctor come in. He looks at me and sees me try to sit up “Oh let me help you. Pretty sure it’s hard to move considering how long you’ve been asleep.” I look at him as he tries to adjust the bed.

“Wait, how long have I been asleep?”  

Once he help me settle he looks at me and says, “You been in a technical coma for about two months due to the car accident you and your partner where in.”

My eyes go wide, “Two-two months?! And wait what about Eren? Is he okay?!”

He doesn’t answer,  just walks toward the end of my bed and picked up my chart to read it. “Hey answer me! Is he okay?!”

That bastard continues to check my chart then he finally gives me an answer, but it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear.

“Your partner, Eren, was on the side where the truck hit you guys so his injuries were far more severe than yours….” he went silent as he put my chart back at the end of my bed, he continues, “We weren’t able to save him like were able to save you. I’m sorry.”

I open my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I tried to form at least on word but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but just sit there in this pathetic state and cry. I cover my eyes with my hand then I look at the doctor and my sadness quickly turns to anger. I start to shout “Why why couldn’t you save him?! He deserved to live more than I did?!” He didn’t react, like he’s seen this before and that pissed me off even more. He reaches into his pocket and said “We did what we could and I’m sorry that we couldn’t save him. There is something else though. I was told he left this for you.” he put the bag that Eren was holding in front of me.

I frantically reach for it and open it. My fingers tighten around the object. A picture frame. It was a picture of the first time we went to the beach. The brat’s holding up a peace sign and has one eye closed while I’m in the background making a half smile while wearing my black swim trunks. That day was such a beautiful day. Until it started to rain. We rushed to the car but we ended leaving most of our stuff there that day he looked so cute with his wet hair. “There was also these attached to the frame.” the doctor broke me out of my day dream and he handed me two silver rings both of them engraved with our names. I clenched them in my hand and begin to cry even more. As the doctor began to leave I asked in a raspy voice, “Did he say anything before…”

“I’m not sure, I wasn’t the doctor that took care of him. Also before I go- someone will come later to take off your cast and talk to you about your physical therapy. And before you ask you’ll regain control of your legs within 6 to 8 month but the physical therapy for that is more intense. Understand?” I continue to look at the rings and picture frame but simply replied with a simply nod. He then left the room to only have a nurse come right back in after him, “Could you open the blinds please?”  

She smiled at me, “Sure hun.” walking over to the window she tried to start a conversation with me but when I didn’t respond- she could tell I wasn’t in the mood- she still smiled and opened the blinds for me. “Oh.” she whined, “So much for a sunny day.”

I looked over and saw that it was raining.


	2. First you up then you go down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to get better. I tried. But I didn't deserve to be better I deserved worse.

I went through the physical therapy just like that shitty doctor said, and I slowly started regaining the feeling and getting strength back in my legs. He also wasn't lying when he said it would be hard work; the first few weeks I had to start off with moving my toes, my ankle and then I was able to move my legs one at a time then together.  
I never have had to struggle so much in my life just to make my toes move, so when it came to finally trying to walk I knew it would be even harder. I was meant to start with an exoskeleton and crutches until I was strong enough to walk with just the help on the bars, but I didn't want to stay in this place any longer. I forced myself to skip the exoskeleton and go straight to crutches. The doctors were clearly against it, and told me it would be easier to start with the exo.  
I didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of that place and never look back.  
“Levi you are a rare case to be able to start off with crutches and do a great job at it,” the nurse praised me as she wheeled me back to my room. I knew it was bullshit because I fell five times before even trying to take a step, but I still kept going.  
Even when we got to my room she still praised me while helping me onto my bed, “You might even be done sooner than expected. And then you can visit your partner’s-.” She stopped in mid sentence. She went quiet after then continued to fix my blankets to make me feel comfortable, then left.  
I've only been here for 12 weeks, but she already knew how upset I was whenever Eren was brought up. I turn to my left, looking out the window and remember how I actually fought to leave the hospital to go visit his grave:  
“It the least you can do after letting him die!” I shouted before they finally let me go.  
It was a cold and windy day when I went. Hanji brought me a coat, a scarf, and gloves along with a beanie. I felt like the kid from A Christmas Story. Since this was before my physical therapy, Hanij had to come get me in a wheelchair, and Erwin came along to help. It wasn't necessary though, because Hanji is stronger than they look.  
It was a long drive there, so Hanji told me they were taking care of mine and Eren’s house and asked if I wanted anything from there. I asked for the blanket for the blanket that was on the bed, and I saw  
the look they gave Erwin. It was the ‘I told you so' look.  
It was even windier when we finally got there and colder too, but I didn't care. I had to see his grave. Erwin decided to wheel me to it with Hanji behind me, and it felt like they were holding something back from me. Arriving at his grave, which was under a very large tree, I saw flowers. They were most likely from Mikasa.  
Erwin wheeled me to the grave as close as he could, and I read what was engraved there out loud, “Eren Jaeger, March 30th, 1993 through October 14th, 2014. A Great Brother, A Loving Son and……. A Loyal Husband……" Pausing I saw the picture of the two rings: one said Levi and the other said Eren.  
A harsh wind blew when I finally said “But we-."  
“He was planning to propose that day.” Erwin said sadly, putting his handle on my shoulder, “And Mikasa thought it was something Eren would want you to know.”  
I bit my lip holding, while holding back my tears and hitting the armrest on the wheelchair. I shouted, “God fucking dammit, Eren!”  
Hanji hugged me from the side and said, “You know if he was here now, he’d say he was sorry.” They stopped hugging me and turned the chair to face them, “And another thing he would say Levi,is to live.” I couldn't even manage a sentence I just cried like I did that day.  
~~~~~~  
It’s been a year since I visited his grave and since I’ve been out of the hospital I’ve been on a path on self destruction. Even after being told to live I didn’t want to without him. I wanted to die but every time I tried Hanji or Erwin were there to stop me. After a while I stopped trying to end my life quickly and started doing it slowly.  
When I would go out, I went to sex clubs and watched people hook up with each other while I drank and smoked. Sometime I would get to the point where I would join in. Most of the time I would wake up at Hanji’s place, somebody's lawn or just a random room where I most likely fucked some guy that I don’t know or even plan to know. And every morning after was the same: I’d think about what I did the night before, hate myself, and then lay in the shower until I the water turned cold.  
After a while I got used to it. Used to the hangovers, the loss of memory and those fucking calls from those fuckers who didn’t understand it was just a one nightstand. Due to all of this I eventually lost my job and now both Hanji and Erwin practically live with me to make sure the house and everything gets paid for. They try to help me ‘get better’. I told them I didn’t want to get better. I wanted to punish myself for living instead of him.  
Tonight was no different than any other. I planned to drive somewhere, but I had to find someplace I could walk distance due to Erwin hiding my car keys. Then I remember ‘abandoned’ house, 4 blocks from where I live, and the fact that it’s only technically abandoned due to kids almost always throwing parties there. Eren and I would go past it a couple of times and think it was a waste of a good house but now I could care less what happens to it.  
From outside I could hear the annoying music and thought, ‘They better have some good liquor or this trip will be a waste.’ Going inside I see kids drinking beer, shouting and having a drinking contest, but I was really looking for the hard liquor. I didn’t see any place in the house where it might be so I went to the backyard. When I still couldn’t find anything, I figured the next best thing is to smoke a joint to a blunt.  
I went around asking to see if anyone would give me; one most of these stingy fuckers said no. After some searching, I found one guy who said he had one and that he’d share it with me. I shrugged. Why not?  
The weed in that joint was good, but the entire time I’m trying to enjoy my high this fucker keeps trying to smooth talk me. So finally after one last big hit from the joint I said, “Okay, I think we should fuck.” He chokes on his turn, “W-what?!”  
“I know you wanna fuck me, so instead of you fucking your chances even more, I figure lets skip your already bad pickup talk and find a place to fuck.” I offer, taking the joint from his had  
“A-are you serious?”  
“The offer is going to expire.”  
“Oh, umm how about my truck? It’s really big in the back.” He replies in a panic. We walk to his truck, and it is pretty decent size. This kid was eager to please because before I could even get to the back door he opened it for me and showed me inside. Before I got in the car, I looked him and said, “You have condoms and lube don't you?”  
“Y-yeah, in my glove compartment.” He stuttered.  
“Good boy, now get in there and prepare yourself.” I command as he rushs in eagerly. I step to go in but before I do, I look up at the sky. “I’m sorry.” Then I climb in and slam the door.


	3. Trying to keep afloat

My eyes snap open to a dull white ceiling, I blink a few times to clear my vision only to find myself on a dull old mattress inside a room where the paint is peeling off to the point where you can see wood and a girl laying down next to her own vomit. Once I sat up, a splitting headache hits me. “Filthy fucking place,” I mumble getting off the bed. Walking through the door frame, I look down to see a bunch of fuckers passed out on the floor either hugging bottles or covered in throw up. I try to walk over to the door to get out of this piece of shit house and not to step on anyone which worked till I almost tripped over some guys leg on the way out the door. As I walk out I open my phone to see there were missed calls from Hanji and text messages from Erwin. I didn’t bother to read the text messages. I just went to my missed calls and started to call Hanji back.  
*ring ring ring*  
“Levi?!”  
“Who else Shitty Glasses.”  
“Oh my god. Are you okay?!”  
“Yeah I’m fine. Ay, do you think you can come pick me up. I'm by the abandoned house that’s nearby,” with a faint laugh I added, “I mean I could walk but I don’t think I can.” Sighing, due to what I assume is relief, they replied “Sure I’ll be there in a bit.”  
“Okay.” I hung up and walked back to the house to sit on the porch and wait. Sitting down, I closed my eyes and tilt my head back to rest my eyes for a short while. It should help my headache, I figured.  
But it wasn’t long before I heard Hanji’s horn, it didn’t help the raging headache. I winced getting off the porch and walked towards their truck.  
“Rough night?” they commented as they watched me get in.  
“In a matter of speaking.” I replied while rubbing my head.  
“Oh you've got a hangover. Sucks for you,” they chuckled then looked straight ahead and started driving back to the house. The ride was quiet, mostly because I didn’t want Hanji to bump their music up, which was their way of torturing me for getting a hangover. But still, Hanji never held back on talking to me even if I had a hangover. Then finally they broke the silence, “How about we can visit Eren’s grave this week?”  
I turn my head to look out the window, “Why?”  
She had a faint smile, “It’ll be good for you. Maybe it’ll help.” I didn’t reply, instead I lay back on the seat and fell asleep hoping to wake up without a headache.

~~~~~~

I open my eyes and wake up in a grassy field, turning my head to look up I see a clear blue sky and a nice cool breeze. ‘Huh? where am I?’ I look around to see nothing except a faint figure in the distance. I get up and walk towards it to see if it was a person. As I walk over, it seemed like it took me a year to even get close enough to make out who it was. Getting closer I saw familiar short brown hair and beautiful green eyes looking at me with that dumb smile. I starting running as fast as I could so I could touch him. Crying tears of joy I muster, “Eren, I’m so glad you’re okay.” He then caressed my face, kissing and wiping my tears away. But before I could even tell him how much I missed him lightning flashed and Eren was covered in blood. The lightning flashes again and this time he disappears. Looking around I didn’t see him anywhere. Falling to the ground I start to cry again. Then the next flash comes and hits-  
“Levi!” My eyes snap open as Hanji shakes me awake, “You okay?”  
Looking around to see we’re at my house I finally reply, “Yeah.”  
“Then why are you crying.”  
I blink and wipe my eyes and looked away, “Bad dream.”  
“I see.” They sit back in their seat and looks at me with, what I assume is pity in their eyes and says “Come on let’s go inside. Erwin is waiting with food.” They get out and slam the door then walks over to my side and waits for me. I look at the house and hesitate to get out of the car, Hanji see’s my hesitation then comes over and opens my door for me.  
“Look Levi, I know you don’t like going into the house but you need to eat, you also might want to think of showering as well.” I glare back at them with their stupid smirk then finally get out of the car and slams the door shut.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank mastia and toastandbuttercups for helping me edit this


End file.
